Navigating Seeming Contradictions in DBT

“Self-Gaslighting" and "Faking it Till You Make It” in DBT

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) often asks us to hold two seemingly contradictory ideas at once, and that can feel confusing—especially when learning new skills. One of the core dialectics in DBT is this: you can accept yourself as you are and also work toward change. For many, this can feel contradictory. After all, how can you fully accept yourself if you recognize a need for change? Yet in DBT, we practice embracing both truths simultaneously, allowing us to grow and adapt without rejecting or invalidating who we are right now.

This sense of contradiction can sometimes lead students to feel that DBT asks them to "trick" themselves into feeling differently or even to deny how they feel. This can come up in skills like Opposite Action and Half-Smile, where the practices may feel like "faking it till you make it" or even "self-gaslighting." Here, we’ll break down how these skills actually work and why they don’t involve denying how we feel.  

Understanding Opposite Action: Validating Emotions and Making Intentional Choices

Opposite Action is a DBT skill designed for times when our emotions, while real, may not match the facts of a situation or are not effective to act on.The first step in Opposite Action is to check the facts. This means looking closely to see if the intensity or nature of our emotion fits the reality of the situation. If it does, we acknowledge and accept that emotion without trying to change it. If the emotion doesn’t fit the facts or if acting on it isn’t helpful, we can then choose to act in a way that is opposite to the emotion’s urges. Especially if acting on those emotions urges could make the situation worse. 

For example, if someone feels intense social anxiety but wants to connect with others, they might use Opposite Action to engage socially, not to deny their anxiety but to move closer to their goal of connection. This choice allows for growth, but it’s not about pretending that the anxiety doesn’t exist. Instead, it’s about acknowledging the anxiety and making a mindful decision to act in line with personal values and goals.

The fact is that people use the term “fake it till you make it” with different intentions. A literal interpretation reads as being in conflict with DBT but in practice people may just mean “I’m acknowledging that I’m lacking confidence or struggling with anxiety [or insert other issue here] AND I’m not going to let that stop me from giving this my best shot.” There’s also something in there about acknowledging that nobody has it all figured out when they first attempt anything that’s new or hard for them. In DBT we try to avoid interpreting how others might mean words like this, and we focus more on whether the behavior is effective or not.  

Half-Smile: Embracing Acceptance Without Denial

Another DBT skill that can sometimes feel like "faking it" is Half-Smile. In Half-Smile, we gently bring a slight smile to our face, which can help to shift our emotional state, particularly when dealing with distress or frustration. It’s important to note that this isn’t about forcing happiness or denying our current emotions. Instead, Half-Smile is a tool for embracing a state of acceptance. When we half-smile, we signal to ourselves that we are open to feeling peace or calm, even if the current moment is difficult.

The power of Half-Smile lies in its subtlety: it helps align our body language with acceptance, which can, in turn, influence our emotional experience. This isn’t pretending or gaslighting ourselves; it’s a gentle way to open the door to a more peaceful state without denying or dismissing our discomfort. As we know from extensive research, what’s happening with our bodies affects how we feel. That’s what makes TIP skills so effective in DBT.

"Fake It Till You Make It" and Self-Gaslighting: The Importance of Intentionality in DBT

When students hear phrases like "fake it till you make it," they might feel that DBT is asking them to ignore or deceive themselves about their true feelings. Similarly, the concept of "self-gaslighting" can arise if it feels like they’re being asked to deny or invalidate their emotional reality. However, DBT skills like Opposite Action and Half-Smile don’t ask us to lie to ourselves. They invite us to make mindful, intentional choices once we have fully acknowledged and validated our emotions. The first step in using Opposite action is to name our emotions and acknowledge it. 

In DBT, we approach change from a place of acceptance. Opposite Action and Half-Smile allow us to hold two truths: that we may feel one way but can choose to act in alignment with our values. Far from tricking ourselves, these skills help us navigate our emotions skillfully, allowing room for both self-acceptance and meaningful change.

‍